everywhere is walking distance if you have the time

沙滩

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 16:39:02 GMT

Finally, after a near-manic week of revelry, here i am in a dimly-lit cafe in Phuket Town typing and sipping Chai Yenn in absolute silence. I never thought solitude could feel this unsettling. Peculiar, as i had no doubt i would feel agitated on this trip due to personal tendencies (which would be too dangerous to be discussed here). But now it is fitting to say i am on withdrawal. At dinner with the kids in Bangkok choking over cheap Pad Thai, Green Curry and Chang. Being dragged around a tad too willingly by Bren in malls and markets, complete with a faux-Thai accent, and armed with our "wholesale", "best price" jokes that can still induce laughter. Packing 7 on a Tuk-tuk and refusing to budge one bit if the driver wanted to charge anything more than what we presumed to be normal. Phuket proved to be slightly trickier now that my favourite person has come into the picture, but i learned to look at the endless clouds instead whenever the said person is near (i hope you get that by favourite, i really mean quite the contrary).

Shortly after, i realised handballing under the glorious sun and sand, the siestas on the beach chairs were sufficient to rid my mind of all negativity. One afternoon, we were lured onto a yacht and spent hours jumping into water, cloud-watching and talking under the influence of alcohol. It was not magical, but there is nothing to dislike about a day like that. As i roam the sleepy streets of Phuket Downtown, it suddenly struck me how much i would miss these mindless days, and how i desperately want to cling on to people lest they disappear once the time is up. It was surprising how hard it was to send them off this morning. I absentmindedly helped with the luggage in my sleepy stupor. As i turned to walk back into the hotel lobby, someone asked me for a hug, and so i did my best to sheepishly give them without appearing too dumb. Admittedly, despite my reluctance to say it, i love hugs especially if i know the other party means it too. I don't quite know how to put the memories tied to this trip coherently. It surely wasn't one of ultimate decadence because we just weren't European enough. But heck, it was just right in most respects. Ceremoniously, our bracelets, leather straps, and watches would serve to remind me of this, and so much more. I guess the it would be very difficult to top it now, no matter how wonderful the next stop is. I could not ask for more, could i?

When You Walk In The Room

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 15:58:33 GMT

~~The 28 year old~~The 28 year-old soul in my 22 year-old shell surfaces once in a while, particularly when exam blues peak. But then recently i feel like i'm back to 17, when everything was dizzy. You don't have any idea, do you? But hey, thats alright. Wowee. I feel like such a geek for many reasons these days. One of which, is how i finally succumbed to rounding the corners for photos related to food. Double wowee. (I did forewarn you i am acting like a bratty 17 at the moment.)

My mum and i had some very strange conversations last week over the phone. If i want to, i could have easily 'won'. But i don't want to 'win' my mum. So now i'm back to square one. My father also spoke to me about my sister's boyfriend. I guess i implied to him "you don't really have the right to judge him, or her". I think it stung him more than i intended to. Tactfulness, always my forte. Poor guy to have such irritating children.

And exams ended finally, so the past few days had been a barrage of liberation, which means a lot of celebratory activities and eating out. Mum is not around, so there is no reason to linger at the dinner table anyway. I don't think there is anything i enjoy more than good food in good company. One day i will take over the world with my love for food, for now, i shall just enjoy my burger.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 08:49:11 GMT

I hope for your sake i’ve changed.
And i hope for my sake you’ve managed to remain the same.

Where The Wild Things Are

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:40:07 GMT

People don't make me uncomfortable. I don't care much about people especially if i don't like them. I don't lack social skills because i do feel happy talking to most. But these don't really mean anything, do they? It just hit me that i know many people, but how many of them do i really know and how many really knows me? I have never intended to hide under a shroud of secrecy. I have never been dishonest. I can stand on steps with my heart in my hand. And if you want, i can juggle it together with some apples. But the heart has been frozen for too long. Perhaps the habit of not telling has resided too long in my blood for me to rid of its residue. I have known some amazing people for a considerable period of time, yet i find it hard to get any closer. And even harder to comprehend how others could do that with so much ease.

A wall i don't know how to get over. That is what i feel whenever i start feeling.
On a less serious note: Alice Smith and Alicia Keys are my staple for the late nights now that my rock phase has tide over. I am not supposed to like Alicia Keys! Argh.

非誠勿擾

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 15:03:36 GMT

It feels like Summer 2008 only happened yesterday. I hope 2010 comes tomorrow. You'll get the butter steak ready, i'll bring the junk food (and a roach trap).

美女廚房，燒左先講.

Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 23:02:11 GMT

八號風球後的清晨，客廳，天氣微寒，有雨。

電視上低聲地播著晨間新聞。已經六點多了。
讀書讀累了，眼睛有點乾澀。睡意隨著日出後的第一道光線漸濃。
矛盾地，不想錯過這能獨自享受的時光，所以強逼著自己不睡。
給自己沖了一杯熱奶茶，享受著難得的寧靜。
沒有任何人的干擾。可以放肆地把該煩惱的事情拋諸腦后。
一些人對獨處的恐懼讓我感到詭異和好奇。
我喜歡清晨與黑夜一樣遠離繁囂，一樣的安靜。
黎明時刻少了一份壓迫的空虛和寂寞，多了份早餐的香和城市快蘇醒的感覺。
假期時間對這作息時間的執著和沉迷或許是這樣由來的。

剛讀完是Tony Parsons 的My Favourite Wife。簡樸的holiday reading material.
筆下的上海是我向往領悟的：亂中有序，主角都喝咖啡吃餃子，有文化有人情味有暴發戶。無比的空洞。
我驚覺一年後的今天雖然仍未逃出王菲唱出的《我也不想這樣》，但已摸索到了詞的意義。
當然，聽著這歌還是沒法不感慨，但也明暸「反正最後每個人都孤獨」背后的可以不是感傷而是蘊藏著希望的樂觀。
假如，我只是說假如。

Carnival

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 10:52:27 GMT

“There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live… the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: wait and hope.”

- Alexandre Dumas

A comfortable flat in the Southern district, overseeing a bay (if you strain your ears perhaps you could hear the sound of kids laughing on the beach, but the unobtrusive sounds of waves are a constant in the background), the minibus right at the doorstep. Deck chairs on the balcony always bathing in summer sunlight, right next to the balcony is the study with a wall of books and an almost nerdy collection of music. A large wooden working table lies in the middle of the room, always cleared at the end of the day (save for a tiny giraffe toy in the middle). Downstairs a friendly neighbourhood store, and a bakery that sells fresh egg-tarts. And maybe one winter morning a decision will be made that a lazy cat is going to be involved. As these idyllic days become the staple, i will write raps instead of poetry just to up the excitement factor. Yo. (Not that the poetry writing ever got past the haiku phase.)

Somewhere, i have been brewing a growing list of not how i envision the future but a hopeful certainty of how things would shape up in five years. An unreasonable sliver of buoyance hits me whenever i conjure these plans in my head. Directions and details is a necessity for contentment. I hope you could be as hopeful as i am. I will never stop hoping, just as i will never stop waiting.

This, is what has been on my mind lately aside from Japanese fusion food and beef and crab bisque.

給冥王星

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 06:14:11 GMT

最後一次見到你的路口，我現在才明白那原來是一條河，或是一道地層下陷，

從那裡開始時間有了不停的轉速，我們再也不站立在同一個地面了，

從軌道最靠近交錯的那一點，逸出朝向全然不同的宇宙。

藥味太濃藥褒太重

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 15:32:25 GMT

The last couple of years i am slowly learning how others feel when they are disconsolate. I also realise how a person's unwavering warmth is always better than lottery (although it would be very pleasant to win the lottery now that i am spending too much money on rolls and rolls of film for the sake of experimenting).

The Way You Look Tonight

Wed, 20 May 2009 13:02:47 GMT

Yuanru's birthday was a blast. There was some slight apprehension and panic even a few days before, but eventually everything fell into place. I really enjoyed it. It was a a casual and relaxed affair, pretty people, great food and lights. I love the lights. I think everyone else had a great time too. It was just right, not over the top, not underwhelming: comfortable is the word. BUT my perfect mix was not used: i had Norah Jones, Abba, Lily Allen and Jason Mraz and others. Not that the music they played was bad (the old-schoolness really exceeded my expectations), but mine was tailored for Miss Chong. There was alot of Cardigans and Kate Nash and my other favourites, and Tony Bennett's version of The Way You Look Tonight just because i think it is the de facto for every playlist. Birthdays don't mean much to me and in fact i still think its a terrible social construct just like Valentine's and Christmas to suck money out of careless civilians victimised by our capitalist society. But a night like this where people who matters in your life get together to celebrate your existence over good food and music? Count me in.

To my pretty friends reading this. Have a pretty day. My love for you equals my love for alliteration. Karma Kettle Kit Kat Karaoke Kabaammmm.

In the Blink of an Eye

Mon, 11 May 2009 16:05:42 GMT

you do not have to smile to be happy.
you do not have to cry to be sad.
you do not have to have to to have to. (yes. this is what we call a stretch here. haha.)

櫻花樹下

Sat, 02 May 2009 13:34:33 GMT

就像狗遇到球，
會不由自主的拼命追逐；

就像貓遇到流動的水，
會按奈不住要抓住它；

就像樹遇到風，
會拼盡全力的嘗試阻攔;
　　
就像淚遇到入眼的沙，
會不留余地要沖走它;
　　
就像兔子遇上鷹，
會奮不顧身的逃開，
全不知前面還有豹；
　　　　
like a fleeting moment of surprise,
like a shooting star across the sky in the black night,
like morning rays that gently sting at sunrise,
like razor sharp air that bites,
like the clumsy silent crash when we collide.

April 29, 2009, poetry slam @ ellen's douban

還有什么可以送給你

Sat, 02 May 2009 07:22:58 GMT

This is going to be a long one. Holidays have been great, finished one project rather quickly and am in preparation of a few more coming up ($!), plans for the c*** is making me a rather excitable mess, silly conversations over good food, and catching some movies. Things are looking good. But, there is one person who is causing a great magnitude of constant worry for us (mostly, me). I am really bad at the whole "let me counsel you, let me wipe your tears away, let me cheer you up" concept. I feel like running for cover when i sense something like this is cropping up. It is like a reflex action, i don't want to be like that either. Not going to go into details, but i really want to see people stop destroying and belittling themselves, and destructing their lives (and mine).

Results have been shitastic. I don't know what to feel anymore. It wasn't unexpected because i knew that the build-up in the last weeks have been lackluster, due the tired eyes and frantic rush to finish up the group projects. At least i could hold on to the hope that next semester would be better. Summer is for staying happy. Summer is for reading for leisure. Summer is for going to the park soaking in the warm sunshine. Summer is for doing things we'd otherwise have no time to do. Summer is not for brooding over shit for grades. Here's to a good summer in the sweltering heat. Cheers darlin'.

Natural, Supernatural

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:33:53 GMT

今天起得很早，到附近的公園跑了步.
回家洗澡後，把一直存放在一旁的紙和塑膠瓶子帶到回收筒.
之後又回到房里把"theory of the leisure class" 從新的讀了一遍.
媽媽問到 "這是什么".
別以為我會回答，"我要在這暑假貫徹地改變自己".
其實我心里的卻是，"please, please distract me from my uninnocent thoughts".

和大伙兒去野餐，我卻一整天都心不在焉.
在酷熱的天氣，連冰冷的橙汁都難以讓我提起精神.
臉上是笑著的，也持續地很樂意為大家分享笑話.
但是我的心早已飛到九霄雲外.

我想你.
我在想你.
我只要想你.
我只要你.

這是我第一次這么認真.
史無前例，後無來者，空前絕後地把思緒感情都投入了.

My trustworthy lunar racer, sorry babe. 寶寶, it was good while it lasted. You are still sexy in the dirty way (blame it on the brown on the greens). You are still close to my heart. You are still glued to me when i am in the air or on the ground. I will never leave you. But please, let me be free, free to keep another in my heart.

Nike free run supernatural, be mine.

Small Matters

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 16:33:42 GMT

那天在早餐店又有人不經意地提起了那件事
保持微笑，精簡地回答問題後，三個人都沉默了一下
意料之內

不是不誠實，也不是因為lack of trust 而不愿透漏
是selective disclosure, 不太喜歡提起那些事
對于"small matters" 沒有什么不快，反正已習慣

人與人之間能沒有距離嗎？
知己。真正知道自己的能有幾個？
相識。僅是互相認識而已。請問如何能夠把相識convert 成知己？

School is a nice, warm, and comfortable bubble capable of shielding one from the other absurdities in life. Days spent in the library is rather monotonous but its kind of nice knowing that your efforts will pay off, eventually - hopefully. On my way home back from the bubble, i suddenly thought of some words i told someone before. "You must make yourself happy before you can make others happy". I later added when the frown line didn't ease away, "But it really isn't a must for someone to make others happy. It would be nice to do it sometimes, but even superman can't manage that all the time. So just try to be happy for yourself first, before you can think about others. Don't stress yourself too much".

Afterthought of the afterthought: when there is someone whom you care about, you care if he or she is happy in this world, you'd better make yourself happy.

Avalanche

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 11:32:20 GMT

"We cannot fathom why people would stand across the street, easily a hundred feet away, when they could be so close, near us." - Dave Eggers

The predicament a fortnight ago again reiterated how everyone around - myself included - is too level-headed, driven by grades, absorbed by superficialities. How good if we could just brush those needs for material things aside and start living for once. I hate that i am too critical of people.

Since i got out (very safely), days were spent either in school or travelling about the island, to homes of people i hardly know that well. I am quite obsessed with the idea of serendipity, cosmic chances and all the weird things we often associate with fate. We were on the bus and everyone else were asleep. I watched the oddly familiar streets - that i'm certain i have not walked on - then i thought of all the things that have happened since my life begun, all the things that i would have liked to happen but did not, and how if the things that i didn't really like hadn't happen i wouldn't be where i am today. So am i happy where i am today? Like everyone else i am unsatisfied with myself, and how things are; i understand how no one could be perfect (besides my doctor who is almost perfect to the extent that i pray for her eternal health and luck in other respects). There are certain qualities i am grateful to possess, yet there are - perhaps far more - characteristics that i do not appreciate at all. On the top of the list i perhaps have to admit that i have anger management issues. I keep them well away from the public eye most of the time, so no one really notices. But recently i let my wrath exposed in the open. If you were on the receiving end of it, i'm sorry, i was tired and in pain, please pardon my manners.

The nights spent at the hospital ward had been a therapeutic experience, in more ways than one. It, and someone, has triggered something in me which haven't resurfaced in a long while: the positive belief in the human potential. Why be so grim about life, about imperfection? There are endless things to learn, books to read, classes to sit in, cheap lunches to be had. It is comforting to know that this is not the end yet. I am somehow glad of being this incomplete, having some solid objectives in my pursuit.

I am quite lucky after all. I hope everyone sees how lucky they are too. See you on the other side.

Do open windows keep the rain away?
Do open eyes keep the ghosts at bay?
I thought an open door would bring you in,
Now I guess I’ll have to guess again

Perish

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:16:43 GMT

I hope my smile can distract you
I hope my fists can fight for two
So it never has to show;
And you’ll never know.

忘掉正餐忘掉時間

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 08:49:48 GMT

Rob Sheffield writes in his wonderful novel Love Is A Mix Tape, "It’s always that one song that gets to you. You can hide, but the song comes to find you." That is what i think is really amazing about the human heart. I think you know what i mean. I don't know how to put it, no one can really do this funny feeling justice by putting it into words. I guess we've all been through that: somehow a song is just forever attached to that era of your life you wish you could erase, a moment/person/event you sometimes detest so much but at other times still accidentally want to relish in. Memory is as much about fondly remembering, as it is about selectively forgetting.

School is tiring. Handball is starting to become very serious with all the suicide runs. Suicide runs make me want to kill myself.I really need sleep. And i really want to read a book or do something that allows me to just sit and rot. But what i really need is to catch up with my school work.

Hotcha 2009 part 2, visuals

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 22:32:32 GMT

December has been a charming month. Strawberry fields forver.

微寒的空氣就在想到你的時候慢慢變清新

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 22:28:29 GMT

I was trying to write down something to sum up 2008, which has been suffused with strangeness. Despite the weirdness that popped and dotted the calendar -especially in the middle of the year - 2008 is ending on a very peaceful note. I will spend the last day of the year going around Hong Kong island tomorrow running some errands, in the evening i will have really awkward dinner, and then head for some countdown thing somewhere. I am trying to bargain for early release because i don't like the crowd.

I guess it is more than a little narcissistic to broadcast what i have done, or what happened in the past 12 months, so i will leave that out and spare you the agony. If you insist, i guess i also wouldn't know how to explain everything coherently either, so that has to be put on hold while i clear the clutter in my head. Come back to me in 2016 and i will disclose everything. On the whole, i am still pretty satisfied with life and still brimming with positivity (which i hope all my friends will finally feel in 2009). Something very important happened this year and i guess i really want to thank this person with all my heart (this person, unfortunately, wouldn't be reading this so aiya whatever). Resolution for 2009 is pretty straightforward: 知行合一. If you understand then good on you. If you don't then perhaps this should be your resolution too.

Its 6.28a.m, which means its time for breakfast. See you, and happy 2009. I mean it.

Love in This World

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 08:14:52 GMT

Dear Class,

I would like to suggest Friday, 5 Dec, as the date for our class social - I hope the date works for most of you.

I understand that the foreign students might be leaving today or tomorrow for home, and will not be able to attend our gathering. I am sorry I could not arrange anything today or tomorrow - I am very busy with marking and grading. Have a safe and happy journey home, and please stay in touch.

For the class, would you all like to do pot luck, ie bring some food to feed the hungry ones? You are invited to my place at:

X Rivervale Link #XX-XX
The Rivervale
Singapore 545119

Time: 5.30 - 9 pm

As there is a swimming pool at my condominium, those who like to swim are welcome to jump in! (Bring along your swimwear, of course.)

I hope you do not mind sitting on the floor - my place is quite small. I will be cooking the following dishes:

- tunafish pie;
- macaroni with tunafish;
- chicken drumsticks;
- roast chicken;
- shepherd's pie (minced beef with mashed potato);
- rice and a stew (I have not decided what yet);
- ratatouille (brinjal, zucchini and fresh mushroom).

And perhaps some other dishes I have not yet thought of.

For dessert, we can make fresh waffles and have them with ice-cream or sour cream and strawberry jam.

I do not have a television at home but you can bring along a movie to watch if you like. (I have a 19 inch screen monitor you can use for DVDs or VCDs.)

After or before dinner, we can go for a walk to Punggol Park just across the road - it is very pleasant.

Do let me know how many of you are definitely coming so I know how many to cook for. If you are bringing food, let me know as well - thank you.

See you all soon!

Elizabeth Su

Since Miss Ang in primary school, i have had the most amazing luck to have met some teachers that i can't forget because they don't just teach the books: they teach vision, values, and life. (Not as if i really remember anything or have grades to prove that i learned the books, anyway..) Prof Elizabeth Su knocks the socks out of every teacher i have met in Anderson. Yes, even Mdm Ong. And i love Mdm Ong so much. When she left for Australia, my heart (and grades) went with her: down under.

I hope we would seriously keep in touch after she leaves for her ultra-long Europe holiday next semester. I wrote on our thank you card "Dear Prof, I love you and your beautiful soul". I am such a sap, i know, seriously. And really, i don't understand the chaos in our world today. I truly see the good in people, and this is a reason why i have faith that our world is not doomed. Wait, this really does go on and on and on. So, that is all for today pals, i have one last battle to fight: calculus.

會不會, 會不會

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 19:28:58 GMT

我想今夜就這樣吧.

Words

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 19:08:28 GMT

和你也許不會再通宵
坐到咖啡酸了喝也喝不掉
從前為你得無聊寧願休息不要
談論連場大雨你窗台漏水不得了

A series of battle awaits. To conclude the first semester in school: my choice has been right. I'm lucky to have escaped the wrath of binary and programming. The geek in me will never die though so i wouldn't say the past few years were a waste. I hope everyone enjoys school as much as i do, it is such a shame if you don't spend your most expensive years in school on something you enjoy.

Plans are being made of rolling around in mud again after our trip to hell and back. And i am going to run amok in 852 again. See you all soon, anyway!

小白貓

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 02:23:38 GMT

1) In Traditional Chinese, the character for 'love' is 愛. It has the character for 'heart' 心 nested in the middle. In Simplified Chinese, the character for 'love' is 爱. It has no heart, Can you love without having a heart? Simplified Chinese was designed by people with political agenda. Though it does not remove the fact that ancient Chinese characters was derived from drawings, it belittles the importance of symbolism, context and meanings that characters carry. I spent an hour over dimsum talking to someone about this, the little nuances between variants of the Chinese language, which makes all the difference. I miss 中文 very much. I miss waking up and going down for breakfast （A餐，凍奶茶，加兩片多士）, while the Cantonese news play in the background.

2) 那天有位同學去打橄欖球，我也好奇地湊上了熱鬧。我所指的是contact rugby 而不是touch rugby. 當中的皮肉之痛和暴力不言而喻了吧？除了grass-cuts 和第二天背肌完全癱瘓外，真的挺好玩的。那天學了抱著attacker 的大腿把她壓倒，如何正確的被推倒而不傷害自己，怎么輕柔地翻滾，用cushion 練習沖擊, and how to pass a ball (i seriously had no prior experience so i looked like a dumbo)。我和媽媽都很意外，潔癖的我竟敢在雨中的泥濘和草地上翻滾。這可能也是尋求解脫和liberation 的一種吧？對于在草上跑我自小就不太有好感，甚至可以使用"恐懼"兩字來形容。那天簡直是克服了而且還over-compensate. 不過我卻面對了史無前例的障礙：抱著別人再把她推下。和陌生人才剛認識就有"肌膚之親"我真的很不好意思（即使是在完全不溫柔地在攻擊下）。我兩臂的肌肉簡直是緊繃到極點。不過我沒舉白旗投降，非常勉強地抱了下去。題外話，那天我還順便在小印度走了一段，因為我迷路了。

可以說是八卦想學學新的事物，不過其實當中也有成分是因為看到同學很努力地推廣熱愛的運動，即使很多人不領情但是卻仍然抱著不容放棄的態度。這是passion。我對為生命為理想為喜歡的東西拼命的人有種莫名的尊重。所以就蹦著頭皮，以一個門外漢的身份去拼了小命。同學的那份熱誠是我這zombie 應該效仿的，尤其是我漸漸覺得自己最近變得得過且過。我不喜歡這樣的自己。其實今天早上也有著training 的，可是我卻要回學校跟書本拍拖。我不太喜歡"應承左人地但係又唔實踐" （答應了別人卻做不到）。做不到就不應該輕易地說出口。我內疚，不過經過三個鐘頭的政治學readings 後，我腦都被折騰到遲鈍而沒時間沒精力內疚下去了。下午有補課，我想我會買些零食"去tum 佢"。(cantonese 101 class starting in december. 友情價: free.)

3) 繼錢之後, 時間已成為了短期內嚴重缺乏的東西。大家都一樣吧。所以要自己銘記的是這句話"車到山前必有路，船到橋頭自然直"。We all go through shit sometimes. It is all in the mind and how we perceive ourselves. Just suck it up, deal with it. This too shall pass. We can do it.

Pork

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 05:06:33 GMT

"You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
- C. S. Lewis