Many nights ago when we were having our usual wind down sessions, someone raised the question, "what would you give up everything for". Or maybe it was "what would make you give up your current life..". Of course i lied because i couldn't quite put my finger to what i would give up everything for, and the only thought that surfaced sounded too trite, too meaningless. I said i wanted to write a book. Later, it hit me that even the idea of "everything" is quite a puzzle to me. What is the abstract concept of "everything" that occupies my life now? The madness called school? Family? Friends? I am not stupid, that i know. But i have yet to materialise anything remotely remarkable with my so-called brains to warrant the act of "giving up everything" worthy of mention.
I don't live a life of abject misery. I have people that i care about around me. I am finding it easier to talk to them about matters i previously wouldn't even want to bring up. But still, it does not change anything. Life is still a series of deadlines and slight anticipation over pointless things right now - like a good vegetarian restaurant, and a peculiarly intriguing eyecandy in my monday seminar. These aside, i have lost count of how many times i wished things could have been different. I don't want to be a complete wreck over matters that i do not have control over, but i might be the champion of over-thinking, consistent stubbornness (what a strange word), and chronic inertia (i am getting very good at coming up with strange phrases). Perfect. I need not something to jump start my heart like a stalling car. I need to stop thinking and start doing. Perhaps that is the problem.