| I suppose tonight would be timely for me to write this. It is strange how i always want to come back to this little hole to talk to myself, and to you, when things feel too heavy. With so much uncertainty to navigate and decisions to be made in the coming days and weeks, I am cracking. Perhaps, this has been in the line for far too long, and we are months and years too late.
Kat said i am the calmest person she knows. Stabbing at the plate of food before me, I know that is not true: i am just very good at hiding things. Yet i laughed it off, calmly. No one has to know that i mute my phone because i am afraid of bad news. Someone has died. The school is kicking you out. You have done a bad thing. For the same reason. I am always afraid of checking my inbox. I don't know why i own a blackberry with that menacing red light. Why do i like reading? Nobody gets harmed in the pages, most fiction ends well for the good people.
Madeline and Mar interrogated me on the state of things in my life and my history. As i offered a few tidbits of truth, i felt strangely relieved, even though it has barely scratched the surface. And i have been talking to Jane. It makes sense when people who are in the dark together talk about the walls they are walking into. It makes sense when you are sad at 3am, and you know someone is also feeling the same. It makes the darkness more bearable.
I have not been dealt a bad hand in life. I know i have it so much easier than many people. But, i wish someone could allow me to be a child for once. I have always been the one that pushes my family into making a decision. I cannot admit my weakness because my mum has too much faith in me not to falter. My father has caused enough trouble for my mum, i must not do the same. I have several times through the years dived into quicksand, but due to luck, i have circumvented sinking. I can never thank those who came to me to lift me up as i drown.
Things with my father got better through the years. His sister has berated him for not being a good father, and in many ways, tried to overcompensate on his behalf. I have come to rely on her and her words alone for strength. Then she fell sick and now i don't know what i can do if something happens to her. No one should have children if they just feel like calling them a few times a year, or when they want a child to monitor their more rebellious child. I never fell out of line enough because i want to be as normal as i could for my mum. But at the same time, i always find excuses for myself for doing the wrong things, for all my missteps, and mistakes. Cognitive dissonance: my father did not do enough, hence i have an excuse. I suppose i am no longer of the age to be angry, but i am still disappointed. Every day. Not just with him, but mostly with myself. There are things that things i could fix, agenda i could should accomplish, but i didn't.
"As time goes on, you'll understand. What lasts, lasts; what doesn't, doesn't. Time solves most things. And what time can't solve, you have to solve yourself." - Haruki Murakami
Time conditions you into feeling that things are manageable, it makes you forget. But time does not solve anything. The kinks and knots are always there if you sweep them under the carpet. I truly hope i have done enough good, accumulated enough karma to make things easier this time. Please, ocean cloud. Let there be no storm on the crossing below. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| Security: | | | Subject: | Wake Up | | Time: | 04:41 am |
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But now that I'm older, my heart's colder, and I can see that it's a lie.
Children wake up, hold your mistake up, before they turn the summer into dust.
If the children don't grow up, our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We're just a million little gods causing rain storms turning every good thing to rust.
Countless growth spurts later, I really ought to know better. There is no time to waste. As Arcade Fire would sing, I guess we'll just have to adjust. | | |
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Many nights ago when we were having our usual wind down sessions, someone raised the question, "what would you give up everything for". Or maybe it was "what would make you give up your current life..". Of course i lied because i couldn't quite put my finger to what i would give up everything for, and the only thought that surfaced sounded too trite, too meaningless. I said i wanted to write a book. Later, it hit me that even the idea of "everything" is quite a puzzle to me. What is the abstract concept of "everything" that occupies my life now? The madness called school? Family? Friends? I am not stupid, that i know. But i have yet to materialise anything remotely remarkable with my so-called brains to warrant the act of "giving up everything" worthy of mention.
I don't live a life of abject misery. I have people that i care about around me. I am finding it easier to talk to them about matters i previously wouldn't even want to bring up. But still, it does not change anything. Life is still a series of deadlines and slight anticipation over pointless things right now - like a good vegetarian restaurant, and a peculiarly intriguing eyecandy in my monday seminar. These aside, i have lost count of how many times i wished things could have been different. I don't want to be a complete wreck over matters that i do not have control over, but i might be the champion of over-thinking, consistent stubbornness (what a strange word), and chronic inertia (i am getting very good at coming up with strange phrases). Perfect. I need not something to jump start my heart like a stalling car. I need to stop thinking and start doing. Perhaps that is the problem. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
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很想睡但是很想在忘記前寫個什麼
以前常常會忌諱寫得太多太煽情讓人笑話 (這是常發生的事)
喜歡寫東西的人應常驚覺的最深處的話都會被save 到draft
不是寫得不好而是怕給別人看會覺得是在賣弄 (雖然賣弄也不是沒發生過)
我們內心都住了一隻鬼，一隻很想逃脫枷鎖的膽小鬼
總是怕自己做得不好而不去做總是怕不完美而被取笑
覺得自己會破音就永遠不敢在別人面前飆高音，很想畫畫卻不知如何執筆
別人能夠勇敢時竟然會嘲笑的人更糟(不過請有自知之明, 像中學時代那些自以為是，幻想自己是音樂人的請吃屎)
到了現在才體會，嘗試包容自己的缺點喜歡自己是成長的必修學分
誰的心底沒有缺口？哪怕有一天想放肆的做自己已經為時太晚
想做就要做的信心要及早showhand
這是讀了一些東西後的啟發，果然文字的力量是很大的
寫得不太好，但是已概括了想說的
Perfectionism is a trap.
人生頗短，請率性而為
這是我最近常想到的事 | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
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It has come to my attention that people actually do read this thing. Sorry if i have been (remotely) embarrassing. I have to make this worthy of your time, or at least compensate for the energy you have wasted on this page. With that, i present to you one of the most important sociological findings in recent years (or at least so in my opinion): Divorce spreads through social networks. The term social network is not to be confused with social media (facebook, twitter etc). It simply means a map of social interactions, with people being individual nodes of interest. I am not certain if "breaking up" will uncover similar results. There must be a correlation hidden in there somewhere, but because heartbreaks happen on such frequent basis that its not really economical of extensive discussion.
Here's the fine-print you may not want to read. I think, if its yours, its yours. If its not.. its not. And more so, its not worth wrecking your heart and soul, and wasting time over something that didn't work. Life is too short, enjoy your burger. Sorry i don't offer Nobel-winning insights and nor consolations, but i do provide a good company for burgers and coffee, and nice tissue that you can cry your heart out with. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
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"Someone once told me the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right. But power isn't happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less."
Around me hearts are breaking fast than the rate of oil spilling out of deepwater horizon. Someone told me the other day, "i should have stuck to my plan to becoming a nun". Historically, i am not good with consoling people, but i thought that statement would indicate that said girl has wisen up and will leave the bastard. No. The next day everything was fine and dandy again. Of course i am more than happy when people around me are happy. But if those happy moments are interspersed with anger and tears then i am not so sure. Where is the point of balance that determines if anything was ever worth our decision? At the same time, despite how selfish it sounds, it is a complete waste of my time. Not time time literally, but the agitation i get when i am trying to reason out things on their behalf. I tend to get over-invested into these things. So i end up hating everyone, whether they deserve it or not, on the account of another person. Maybe i should start caring less because opinions and advices on affairs of the heart tend to always fall on deaf ears. I should start minding my own business for a change. I suppose its the same for most people. As long as you can be with someone whom (you think) you love, no matter how much you have to suffer, you will go through it. If thats the case, then i won’t try to persuade anyone to leave anyone anymore. Saves quite a fair bit of trouble.
The royal conclusion which can be derived out of everything that my life has revolved around recently, is that i have been second guessing myself too much. I need to recover my sense and regain direction. I need to be firm and go in for the kill. I think i might give myself a month to do that. I have been too lax on myself to the point that i am still an emotional infant. There is hardly any time to waste now. And the world cup has taught me that i am likely the person least involved in risk-taking ever. This has to change. My comfort zone is getting too comfortable. Leaving in about 10 days, and am in quite a funk of mixed emotions now. Not ideal. But as usual i will make my way out of this unscathed. I always do. Talk soon. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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k5memo's journal
